I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
