He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
