That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
