Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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