Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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