The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
