I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
