so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
