I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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