His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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