I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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