WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
