She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
