The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
