the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
