Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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