Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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