i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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