From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
