sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
