You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Randomize
