There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
