Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
