WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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