what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
