a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
