I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
