Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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