i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
