Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
