Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
