Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize