I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
