It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
even my farts smell like vagina
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize