We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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