I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
