I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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