what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
