if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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