I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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