I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
