DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
