textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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