Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize