Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
