he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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