Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
