I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I cockslap morals
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
