when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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