I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
