don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
