if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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