Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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