I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
