Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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