I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The uberlube is also flammable
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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