and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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