i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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