I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
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